Wednesday, 6 May 2015
A Life Update
I've been absent from this blog for a little while. 2015 has not been the best year for me so far. I don't like to complain online because I know there are so many people who have it so much worse than me, and every day I read stories that make everything that's happened to me pale in insignificance. But I know that my feelings aren't made better just because someone else has had a harder time. My emotions aren't invalidated because there are worse things happening in the world. And this blog, and my online life in general, is all about sharing things, being open, and building real relationships, so I feel it is just as important to share the lows as it is to share the highs. It's so easy to write about the good things, the positives, the new products, press features, and events. But the words to write that you're struggling and things are hard - they are much more difficult to come by.
Most people already know about the saga at the start of my year with the studio I was supposed to move in to. Well since then I have moved out, back to my home studio. The landlord still has not refunded my money, despite saying he would, and is refusing to contact me at all. Over the last few months I have tried through various avenues to get my money back, but because the company operates so shadily (like not giving out an address) everything I've tried has basically come up against a wall. So I am £1800 out of pocket, and I doubt I will ever see that again. Obviously the financial implications have affected my business hugely, as well as really shaking my confidence and forcing me to rethink the future.
Around two months ago my Nan had a heart attack and was rushed in to hospital. Although the issues with her heart haven't gotten worse since, and her condition has stabilised somewhat, she suffered what they think was a stroke, that has left her completely changed, unable to remember who people are, completely disorientated, and confused. Seeing her change so completely and so suddenly has been hard on the whole family - she is the last grandparent me and my sisters have left.
And finally, me and my boyfriend split up. It's been a tough thing to come back from - we had been together for two years, and I'd hoped this was it for the long term. I thought we would settle down together and build a life together, and for that to suddenly all be taken away has hit me hard. I've come to the conclusion that break ups are a lot like getting hit by a car. Have you ever been hit by a car? I have (that's a whole other story for another time though!) You don't even feel the impact, or realise what has happened or why it happened, but suddenly you are on the ground and all you can feel is pain. And the strangest part is the thing I thought about first was being ashamed, not wanting anyone to know, wanting to hide away. Obviously that is way easier after a break up compared to when you are lying in the road with a broken foot and a crew of paramedics around you! And afterwards there is the constant mental replay. How it could have been avoided, what you did wrong, who was to blame. And, eventually, the realisation of how lucky you were that it wasn't a million times worse.
Everything that can be broken can be fixed. I believe in that because I don't know how to live without that as truth. I am a pragmatist about relationships - there isn't someone out there for everyone, it's just not possible. Divorce rates rise year by year, nothing is ever guaranteed. I don't base my life and my happiness on relationships any more. My happiness comes from my own actions, from living my dreams, from building a life I am proud of. But still I long for someone to share it with, who I can rely on to always be there. I've never been much of a 'dater.' I've had two long(ish) relationships, one for five years, and one for two years, and it's hard not to feel like you've been left on the shelf, especially as I am nearing the big 3-0 next year! But I hate the dating scene, I'm not good at meeting new people, I like staying in, having routines, building familiarity.
I know I will bounce back from these things eventually. I am grateful for the incredible positives in my life, and that the tougher times help me to see these things even more clearly. My amazing family that support everything that I do, my friends who make me smile and lift me up every day, my dogs, my house, my health, my job, the opportunities I've been given that never cease to amaze me. This post is not a pity party, although there are times when that is exactly what I would like. This post is to let you guys know what's going on, because it's you that makes all this possible. Thank you for all the kind words I receive each day, that spur me on and keep my head up. Love you guys xoxo