Monday, 18 March 2013
thoughts and ramblings
thank you to everyone who commented on my last 'thoughts and ramblings' post - I'm really happy that it was so well-received because it's the type of post I love writing, as it's real and honest and it gives you a bit of an insight into my brain!
last night I had a dream about my ex. it was one of those dreams that feel so real, and are so believable, that when you wake up you feel like you have been torn out of your real life and thrown into some alternate reality where nothing makes sense. I woke up this morning feeling totally disorientated, and with a sense of sadness that went beyond simply missing an ex-boyfriend. it felt as though the last 4 years of building myself a world in which I felt safe, and felt loved and appreciated for who I am, had never happened. this may sound like a huge over-reaction, and I have never been so strongly affected by a dream before. you know those dreams where you dream someone you love has died, and you wake up and for a few seconds you are terrified and you're crying, but then you realise you are awake and none of it really happened? it's like that, except I've been awake all day and I still feel the same as when I just woke up.
normally when I feel sad or a bit down in the dumps about something (usually something to do with boys, tuh!) I throw myself into my work, and I can forget for a little while. but today I haven't been able to focus. and it made me think about why I do what I do. the other day a friend called me a 'workaholic.' I don't think of myself as a workaholic, but I guess I am. but why am I? I tell myself it's because I want to build up a business and a future for myself, so I can be my own boss, make things for people to wear, be creative, blah blah blah. but really I started all of this because I wanted to disappear inside something where I could simultaneously hide from my emotions, and also find a purpose. there is nothing scarier than feeling like you are just drifting, when all you want is to belong somewhere, and to have a purpose. when I broke up with my ex it was like my only purpose in life had been taken away. which, thinking about it now, is incredibly sad - to put all your faith and trust and hope in one person is a pretty foolish thing to do right? hindsight is such a wonderful thing, and I know I will never make that same mistake again.
but, the question is, now that I have found my place, and am doing what I love, what next? do I keep doing what I'm doing? is this what I really want to do for the next year, 5 years, 10 years even? I love Ladybird Likes, and I love making jewellery, and I love people wearing things I've made, but is that enough? do those things outweigh all the 18 hour days, the lack of money, the soul-destroying moments where you realise you glued 200 brooches on in the wrong place? it's easy to simply turn round and say 'I love doing this, so that love cancels out all the bad things.' but does it? it's a question I find myself asking more and more. I don't want to do this job just because it allows me to bury myself, to work so hard that I don't leave any space in my day for feeling lonely, to have so much going on that I can use that as an excuse for being single. I want to do it because I love it, not because I love not having to face things.
so my question to all you other self-employed people/small business owners/freelancers - why do you REALLY do what you do?