Friday, 3 May 2013
thoughts and ramblings
letting go is hard. sometimes it's almost impossible. letting go of a past relationship from which you never had any closure is one of the hardest. even when you think you're over it, and you've moved on with your life finally, you hear a song, or see a photo of them, and it's like someone just kicked you in the gut and all you want is to curl up in bed and cry until you fall asleep.
lately this is a topic that's been on my mind a lot. moving on. letting go. turning a new page. starting a new chapter. all those usual cliches. it's never that simple though, is it? continuing with the book metaphor (because it's easy and hey, I love me some books) you try to turn a new page, but in fact someone spilt something sticky and gross on the book, and the pages are all stuck together. you try to separate them but they tear, and the print rubs off from one page to another, and in places it's impossible to read the writing. because, let's face it, there is no quick fix. there is no new page to turn, because life isn't a book. all any of us can do is be here, and deal with each day as it comes, and face the fact that there will be some days where you don't think about the past, but there will be others where you feel like you cannot escape it. all I can say is those days get fewer and further between, and one day you will wake up and realise you haven't thought about that person for a whole week, or a fortnight, or a month. yes, that's probably the same day you will see a photo of them on holiday holding hands with their new girlfriend, and you will then eat an entire crispy duck on your own, but that's okay.
sometimes I think that part of the reason I've been single for so long (other than being a man-repeller) is because I haven't been able to move on from my ex. and I don't want that part of my past to influence or carry over into any new relationship. I wanted to be able to turn over to a new page and have the whole 'fresh start' but I realise now that's not going to be possible because, to quote Chuck Palahniuk (holler at me my fellow Palahniuk fans) 'I am the combined efforts of every person I've ever known.' that relationship, it made me who I am, it's part of me. sure it was a pile of horse crap, but I know it's made me better and stronger (try saying that without wanting to sing Daft Punk, I dare you) as a person. I AM SUPER WOMAN. no, but for reals, all that crap about hitting rock bottom and the only way being up, it's all true. it's easy to say I'd rather never have met that guy, but where would I be now? probably in the FBI as a world-renowned behavioural analyst (I KNOW RIGHT?!) but you know what, I'm pretty cool with how my life is right now, so whatever brought me here can't be all that bad.
but at the same time I need to not let that one negative experience affect how I think about new relationships - just because I had my heart broken once, doesn't necessarily mean I will again. it's like that cheesy quote that you always see on fridge magnets; 'love like you've never been hurt.' I don't want to hold back and not show affection because I'm worried history will repeat itself. maybe it will, maybe it won't, but either way I can't see into the future.
these posts are called 'thoughts and ramblings' for a reason - sorry to vent on you guys. I feel much better now. feel free to join in the group therapy in the comments, or email me direct if you prefer :) xoxo