I hold back a lot on this blog because I want it to be a positive place - but I've been thinking a lot recently about what I want from my blog. I've mentioned before that I started this blog as a sort of online journal, and what else is a journal for if not for writing down your thoughts and ramblings, positive or negative, good or bad? so I will be making writing down these snippets of my inner monologue a sort of semi-regular feature on here, whenever the mood takes me.
lately I seem to have been almost overwhelmed by feelings of negativity and inadequacy. no-one is to blame but myself for these feelings. I always want to be the best at everything, all the time, and I find it incredibly hard to let go of things, even if I know deep down that I will end up regretting it. I have a typical spoilt brat attitude about not being the best at things - even at university, if I didn't do well in a class I would automatically start hating that class, and try to skip it as much as possible.
take for example, my lookbook. I decided I wanted to put together a digital (and hopefully also printed) lookbook of some of my jewellery on models, styled really nicely, so that I have something to show people other than just the product shots of my jewellery, and also because I think it helps create hype around a business. so obviously the sensible thing would be to hire a photographer, right? NO. zoe can do it herself. she has a camera, she studied photography. yes, a professional photographer could do a better job, and the pictures would look better, but they wouldn't be MY photos. so I take the photos myself and, predictably, I am not totally happy. partly because I am NEVER happy with anything I do myself. and partly because I am not a good enough photographer to get the style of photos I wanted.
I knew this beforehand, yet I still went ahead and did the photos myself, and then I just end up getting more and more annoyed with myself for not admitting that I need help. It's so hard though - this business is my baby. I love looking around at what I have achieved and going 'heck yes, I did all of this' and by letting other people do things like take the photos, design the graphics, build the website, and so on, I am giving up my claim on certain aspects of that. I know, I know, just because someone else took your lookbook photos for you, doesn't mean the business is no longer mine. But sometimes it really feels that way. There are times where I will just not do something important because I can't do it myself, and I don't want to let someone else do it for me. HOW RIDICULOUS IS THAT?!
also, without even really realising it, I've started comparing myself and my business to other people/other businesses. it is something I promised myself from the start I wouldn't do - I wanted to make my own path and not try to get into that 'oh so and so does trade shows so I should be doing trade shows' and that sort of thinking. but here I am, looking on another jewellery company's website, wishing I had a flashy website with its own webstore. WHY? I'm perfectly happy with my own website (although I am giving it a makeover in the next few weeks.) it's nothing amazing, but I made it myself and it does what I wanted. so what if it doesn't have a slideshow of pictures on the front page? I didn't even know you could HAVE a slideshow on a website front page, but now that I've seen this I suddenly NEED one. whoever said 'comparison is the thief of joy' was more right than they could ever realise!
please tell me I'm not the only creative/freelancer/small business owner that thinks like this at times? I know I go through phases of feeling like this - other times I will be really happy with what I'm doing, and just be really focused on my own business. but right now I just feel stuck in a rut of inadequacy!
(I hope this hasn't been too text heavy or boring or moany for you guys? I'd love to hear your feedback if you like this style of post or not?)