letting go is hard. sometimes it's almost impossible. letting go of a past relationship from which you never had any closure is one of the hardest. even when you think you're over it, and you've moved on with your life finally, you hear a song, or see a photo of them, and it's like someone just kicked you in the gut and all you want is to curl up in bed and cry until you fall asleep.
lately this is a topic that's been on my mind a lot. moving on. letting go. turning a new page. starting a new chapter. all those usual cliches. it's never that simple though, is it? continuing with the book metaphor (because it's easy and hey, I love me some books) you try to turn a new page, but in fact someone spilt something sticky and gross on the book, and the pages are all stuck together. you try to separate them but they tear, and the print rubs off from one page to another, and in places it's impossible to read the writing. because, let's face it, there is no quick fix. there is no new page to turn, because life isn't a book. all any of us can do is be here, and deal with each day as it comes, and face the fact that there will be some days where you don't think about the past, but there will be others where you feel like you cannot escape it. all I can say is those days get fewer and further between, and one day you will wake up and realise you haven't thought about that person for a whole week, or a fortnight, or a month. yes, that's probably the same day you will see a photo of them on holiday holding hands with their new girlfriend, and you will then eat an entire crispy duck on your own, but that's okay.
sometimes I think that part of the reason I've been single for so long (other than being a man-repeller) is because I haven't been able to move on from my ex. and I don't want that part of my past to influence or carry over into any new relationship. I wanted to be able to turn over to a new page and have the whole 'fresh start' but I realise now that's not going to be possible because, to quote Chuck Palahniuk (holler at me my fellow Palahniuk fans) 'I am the combined efforts of every person I've ever known.' that relationship, it made me who I am, it's part of me. sure it was a pile of horse crap, but I know it's made me better and stronger (try saying that without wanting to sing Daft Punk, I dare you) as a person. I AM SUPER WOMAN. no, but for reals, all that crap about hitting rock bottom and the only way being up, it's all true. it's easy to say I'd rather never have met that guy, but where would I be now? probably in the FBI as a world-renowned behavioural analyst (I KNOW RIGHT?!) but you know what, I'm pretty cool with how my life is right now, so whatever brought me here can't be all that bad.
but at the same time I need to not let that one negative experience affect how I think about new relationships - just because I had my heart broken once, doesn't necessarily mean I will again. it's like that cheesy quote that you always see on fridge magnets; 'love like you've never been hurt.' I don't want to hold back and not show affection because I'm worried history will repeat itself. maybe it will, maybe it won't, but either way I can't see into the future.
these posts are called 'thoughts and ramblings' for a reason - sorry to vent on you guys. I feel much better now. feel free to join in the group therapy in the comments, or email me direct if you prefer :) xoxo
This is your space to ramble, so no apologies please! I've never had my heart broken that badly (touch wood) but I find I carry a lot of baggage from friendships that have gone wrong in the past. I suppose all relationships can do their own damage. x
ReplyDeleteHaha wow, that Chuck quote is my absolute favourite in the whole world, I quote it everywhere- even did my entire dissertation on Chuck/ fight club. can't believe you quoted that! <3 (This is me hollering at you)
ReplyDeleteHope you're okay Zoe, I'm still trying to be positive after my bad situation- that was 3 years ago now and I still don't feel ready. I feel pretty disheartened about the whole relationship thing after things that have happened to me, for example i keep thinking whats the point of putting your everything into something that can just fall apart so easy/ someone who could just walk away. It's hard to move past these negative thoughts and lack of trust in other human beings- but I'm pretty sure the best thing to do is just let what happens happen and just go along with life, things will no doubt change for the better.
These kind of posts are honest and really great, its nice to read something you relate to.
(Btw I got my package in the post, its so beautiful! Waiting til tomorrow/ decent daylight to take some decent pictures :) xxx
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason. i e there is a lesson to be learned from every event situation person. You just have to let yourself be open and open to learning life lessons. Take them with you and go on about your fabulous life!
ReplyDeleteThis was such a great post to read. Sometimes I realise just how much my previous relationship damaged me, and I feel sad about it - but like you say, it takes a long time to get over that kind of heartbreak and to get back up on your feet. These things might be really sad and hard to deal with but they do make you the person you are today and you can learn from those experiences. Thanks for writing this. xxx
ReplyDeleteI really needed to read this. I split with my boyfriend just over a week ago and I can't explain how I feel. He's moved to another city and knowing I'll probably never see him again kills me, every time I think about it, and every time I think about that goodbye, the one last kiss and him telling me to go, to not stand and watch him walk away, god, just writing it makes me cry. I'm trying to be a strong, independent woman, I know I deserve so much more, but it's really hard to remember that sometimes. Especially when you're surrounded by couples. It wasn't a long, or particularly intense relationship, but I always, always fall hard and fast for people. I'm always the one who cares more and who ends up heartbroken.
ReplyDeleteLife is hard.
very, very true. (if this helps) eventually though you will move on and you'll look back and think "why did i hold on for so long?"
ReplyDeletexx
I like how you interpreted the book metaphor, Zoe. By the way, Zoe, your blog is looking awesome. I haven't been reading blogs all that much lately, but yours is on my faves folder ;)
ReplyDeleteI've really been struggling with letting go recently, its been really hard (to the point of asking for help, hard) but its not the letting go bit which you really struggle with - because you've actually already done that bit - its the accepting that you've let go - the accepting that you know longer have this part of you - that part which was enough of an influence to change you. Its dealing with the fact that you've changed because you've let go and really, about learning who you are again. Letting go isn't just letting go of the old, its embracing the new too and really, thats just as scary.
ReplyDeleteI hope that made sense...